Did you know that building positivity in your relationships does not take huge effort and pays off better than tackling the difficult stuff in relationships? Most of us tend to wait until a close relationship (with a friend, a child, or a partner) is stuck in conflict before we seek professional help. It makes sense that we would try on our own before we spend time and money getting therapy. Therapy can be stressful work – requiring a new level of vulnerability and honesty from participants – but therapy can help a lot. However, Gottman research also supports a less arduous practice for positive relationship building: Small Things Often!
What that means is that the small things we do on a daily basis to build positivity in a relationship can have as much or more impact on your relationships compared to therapy. So you know what that means, right? Have Fun! That’s right: Fun! When was the last time you had fun in your relationship? Isn’t that why we do all this work, to actually enjoy spending time together?
Kudos to you if you are willing to work on your relationships with intimate partners, parents and children, coworkers, friends – to root out problems and work towards solutions. But there is a way to make this process feel so much better. Imagine if there is something you could do, small words, gestures, actions – repeatedly, that don’t cost a lot of time or effort, that makes both you and the recipient feel good, and that can actually buffer your relationship from the stress and tension of conflict. And if there happens to be conflict, it can actually help reduce the frequency and duration of the conflict, as well as make repair much easier and smoother. You don’t have to just imagine it! We have the formula right here, and it will make the holidays feel light, easy, and so much more rewarding!
So, to see us out of 2023 and into 2024, we are going to take a breather from analysis… and remember how to have fun!
What IS Fun?
It may seem like a stupid question, but if you’ve had your nose to the relationship grindstone for a while, you may step back wonder: Wait, what’s “fun” again? How do we know when it’s happening? How do we get there?
You are not alone. The ability to enjoy life is a skill and even a gift in a world that threatens to bog us down with obligation, responsibility and, at times, unavoidable grief and loss. We need to cultivate and preserve our buoyant coping skills to avoid succumbing to the heaviness of life.
The Science of Fun
To begin understanding fun – without totally draining the fun out of you while reading this article! – let’s get into the physiological basics of fun via affect and arousal.
In this case, “arousal” does not indicate anything sexual or romantic. Rather, it denotes the activated, calm, or deactivated state of the nervous system. And “affect” refers to the emotional experience of a person, both explicit as well as implicit markers on a spectrum of expressivity.
So, where does “fun” fall on these two energetic axes? Not shockingly, fun denotes positive affect – smiling, laughing, or maybe just a quiet glow – but you may be surprised to learn that energetic arousal states can vary and still count as “fun.” Fun happens in your body and mind when your adrenalin (the excitement chemical) kicks in, and cortisol (the stress hormone) goes down. If you are having fun with a loved one, oxytocin (the cuddle chemical) may also begin to course through your body.
This is perhaps easier to understand practically. Think of a few activities that you would describe as fun. Some are probably high-energy, like playing fetch with your dog or acting like a “scary monster” to chase your kids around the house (isn’t it funny how they run away, then stop and wait for the monster to chase them again?) But you probably also imagined more low-key things, like cozying up with a book, doing nothing all day at home with your partner, or crocheting, if you have success at that. Both kinds of activities can feel like fun even though one has more adrenalin energy and the other has more oxytocin energy.
Thus, your nervous system may be activated or calm when you’re having fun. Since fun involves being engaged, however, it’s unlikely that you would experience extended deactivation – numbing, freezing, zoning out, dissociating – in the middle of fun. Some folks may flicker into dissociation no matter what activity they’re doing or with who, based on their boredom meter or past stored trauma – but a fun activity would, by definition, draw them out of that more often.
Also remember fun is not just something you get to do only when things are going well. Don’t put off fun until the moment is right! Perhaps having a few fun ideas to tap into when things get a little tense or awkward may be a game changer.
A key element here is self-awareness. You can catch yourself in moments long before the chain of conflict begins and intervene with fun. Scan your body, emotions, and thoughts, and ask yourself what you need. If you discover “Oh, I’m understimulated/bored,” or “I keep snapping at my partner because I’m frustrated from work,” consider that maybe you just need to have even a few minutes of fun before you go into critical problem-solving mode.
How to Have Fun
Now that you have done your homework in learning what fun is, how do we go out and actually have fun?
The fall and winter in North America, while not the most outdoor-friendly weather in some regions, do present opportunities to socialize with a few baked-in days off for most folks. (In Austin, we might be able to do the same fun activities as Montréal residents in the summer!)
Still, it’s easy to draw a blank if “fun” is something that seems like a foreign idea to you because you’ve been bogged down by life for so long. That’s where we come in.
A “Have More Fun” Starter Kit of Ideas
If you find yourself struggling to enjoy the holiday time with your partner, family, or friends, consult this handy list for inspiration:
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Stroll through a neighborhood and rate the holiday decorations or lighting. Pick a winner, and leave them a note telling them how much you liked their decor.
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Have a picnic in your living room with a fire going (if you have a fireplace). Up the intimacy by sharing holiday memories from childhood.
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Sit by a fire (at a hotel or restaurant), and sip a cup of hot chocolate or hot apple cider while you people-watch. As you observe interactions, try to guess how people are related to each other.
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Volunteer at a shelter for pets or people. During the holidays, shelters appreciate additional volunteers so their staff can get a break. How do you make it fun?
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If you’re going to volunteer with animals, you might bottle-feed kittens, play with puppies, or take one of the older dogs for a walk.
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At a shelter for people, you could dress up in a funny holiday costume or bring hats for everyone to wear. Serve folks with a big smile, and get to know as many of them as you can. That warm connection goes a long way in a season where many can feel lonely.
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Walk your local Trail of Lights! Sip a warm beverage of your choice (most events like this have food trucks serving those) and watch how effortlessly the children play, have fun, and enjoy themselves. Take notes on how you can bring some of that joy back into your life.
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Go caroling! Gather a group of friends and go sing on a few doorsteps just for fun. Meet and greet your neighbors with song.
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Have a driveway party! Set up a table and some chairs at the end of your driveway or in front of your house. Get comfy and settle in with a hot drink. Make sure to have some cookies, snacks, and beverages for anyone who stops by to chat.
These opportunities to relax and hang out not only strengthen your existing relationships – they invite the low-pressure cultivation of new relationships.
Having Fun With Others Equals MORE Fun
You can certainly have fun on your own. However, there is special value to learning to play and have fun with others. Sometimes, as adults, this skill can feel particularly atrophied. Yet research has repeatedly shown that the couples who play together stay together.
This is not meant to pressure you and your spouse to suddenly become a Laurel & Hardy act while you get the kids ready for school. Remember that you can go for low-activation fun things to do together. In fact, you may especially savor the quiet moments of cuddling, sitting and holding hands, or strolling your block as a respite from the hecticness of the holidays.
You can even try to have fun with those relatives who you… let’s say don’t enjoy as much. In fact, sometimes-tense family relationships are where the distraction of fun can be even more useful. Don’t wait for someone else to bring up a fun activity or game. Going to the in-laws causing a nervous stomach? Bring something that will make you and your kids giggle, and that will make the nervous butterflies fly away!
For instance, focusing on a game in the present allows you to avoid hard conversations about conflicting lifestyles. You might even gain a newfound appreciation for your persnickety aunt’s mean game of dominoes.
Happy Holidays from The Center for Relationships!
Are you feeling a little more awakened now to the value and “how-to” of fun? Take this knowledge with you into your relationships this year. And from the Center for Relationships, we wish you a happy, warm, and connected holiday season!
